Leaving New York on a late afternoon train, looking back through the bright sunny sky, now marked with large clumps of black smoke...was my first unrushed reflection on the morning's happenings. And, perhaps it was the overpowerful sun and clearness of the day that gave perspective to those morning events, a not so gentle reminder that God was still in charge and the unpredictability of our journey here; but also not so different from earlier centuries' and generations' devastating events.
Perhaps had I been part of the physical hurt, the trapped desperate plague consuming those in the two upper towers, or one of the millions New Yorkers who looked to the Towers daily with a sense of pride and unifying strength, I wouldn't have felt the sense of disconnect.
But we all periodically ask ourselves why and what good can come of such devastation and maybe even did I have a specific role to play or fill...and did I do well.
So I didn't panic....and was fortunate to meet up with a coworker who knew New York, had some sense of direction of where to go, to perhaps get out of town, and more practically had a credit card, and identification. (I always shunned wearing name tags, or identification, cell phones, using seat belts...somehow relating to those to false notions of self importance.) But should my role have been to try to help rather that to self preserve? I have rationalized that getting out of the way in an orderly fashion was itself a role and I did that effectively.
So what else or why...did I have a particular connect with my friend with the practical credentials that had meaning? I talk to her infrequently via email and will probably see her again at the end of September at the same annual meeting that took us to New York...and I believe there is an unspoken bonding there that doesn't evaporate or age.
...Did I come home and share appropriately the experience that would render a positive influence on what I tried to develop as a spiritual perspective? I don't think so because I haven't been able to move, even other believers, past the Thank-You-Lord survival perspective - although my two daughters live pretty much in a look forward / move ahead, so where do I go from here perspective, for which I take credit by example.
Which brings the question back to me - where should I go from here? Did I make any permanent changes in my own day to day operations, or should I? Well I haven't really which sort of bespeaks my complacency. But I do have a notion which seems to continually reinforce itself, i.e. that I'm here for a reason, which always has a strong community (which for me includes my workplace) as well as church focus. And I think I stay more permanently focused and sensitive to others' needs, particularly those in physical, mental and spiritual pain, and not to underestimate the love conveyed by even the smallest gesture of a hug or a hello, ,or a ride to the doctor, or cooking a meal...
Since I can't fully escape the instant gratification mode we as Americans have developed, I am impatient with the lack of feedback from God in giving me better direction in where the rest of my life should lead, or perhaps follow. But in experiencing at very close hand the recent tornado in my home town, and again 'escaping' unscathed, the keenest message I persistently and successfully am able to retain is that I have some amount of time here and work to do, and what I need to intentionally consider this each morning I still have to wake...and I best get on with humbly 'doing my Father's work...'
(The humble part is really tough for me; pray that I work on that part too.)
Ruth Runyan
almost 09/11/02